Shop Talk

Dear Gork,

I was recently calibrating the boost cylinder in my Bosendorfer Robocolometer but I must have either miscalculated the overtake input pressure ratio or poorly mixed the Tetrabenzodine-Petrobutane bursting fluid (I’ve tried both 3:4 and 1:2 mixing solution hybrids) because the dang thing will not produce any torque when I activate the secondary Hinklemeijer shaft under the high pressure routing lever. I tried to manually rotate the integrated Gerschowitz gear with a 4cm baffle insert, but every time I do that, the automatic buffer gyro spins out of control to the point that the deflection containment springs can’t handle the oscillation pressure. If I rotate it far enough, the vibrations actually offset the bracing pin from the micro-reciever shaft. The only other thing I can think of is that maybe there’s a leak in the differential Roberts housing, which could allow high-temp Frazier oil to seep into the retainment tank. I know, that’s a long shot but I can’t afford a Murphy syphon to test the back-pressure in the Cooper valves. Any ideas?

-Rambo McGuire, Eden Valley, MO

Rambo,

It’s pretty hard to tell what’s going on without seeing the readout traces from the cyclotron calibration circuit probes, but you might want to try releasing the second-stage alignment bushing from the Percy nipple grips. Obviously, that’s the one next to the idle reducer knob and NOT the one under the power control assembly box. I don’t have to tell you this, but if you loosen the wrong bushing, the whole Robocolometer will fall apart! If that doesn’t work, you might want to call in a local professional. They can probably tune your miniature travel piano for a pretty reasonable price, or at least for way less than what a Murphy syphon will cost. Plus you won’t have to worry about accidentally letting toxic piano gas out of the realignment muffler. Hope that helps.

-gvd

Wink Wink

Gork,

You know how they say that sewage treatment plant tours are one of the sexiest locales for first dates? I was thinking that it’s almost counter-intuitive because the ambiance doesn’t seem all that conducive to sparking romance. Well, I did a little research and sure enough, the statistics are right on the money. I even tested it—let’s just say Darla Stonebridge-Bottleman and I are definitely having a second date. The only problem is that now I’m in a real pinch because there’s no data out there on the sexiest place for a second date. I think that if I take her back to the waste plant she’ll be pretty suspicious about my intentions. I know for sure that she’s “the one” so I don’t want to screw this up. You got any suggestions?

- Wink Horsecrack, Deadelmtree, ID

Wink,

First off, my own studies have shown that boat docks and prairie picnics are tied for the best second date activities, at least in terms of leading to the best statistical outcomes. As a side note, I’m legally bound to tell you that the study I’m referencing was rejected for publication by Goin’ Steady Magazine because, according to them, the data collection methods were “universally flawed.” There’s some pending litigation surrounding that whole thing and some lawyer told me I have to mention that any time I reference it.

Secondly, Darla sounds pretty adventurous and she’s clearly your soul mate so why not just skip all the tedious courting? I recommend you put together a surprise second date wedding. Gather as many friends and family (just yours) as you can muster on short notice at any venue you choose (I suggest you steer clear of the sewage plant but it’s up to you). If she’s as committed to making this relationship work as I think she is, she’ll be thrilled when you spring this on her. I see good fortune in your future. Good luck!

-gvd