Wink Wink

Gork,

You know how they say that sewage treatment plant tours are one of the sexiest locales for first dates? I was thinking that it’s almost counter-intuitive because the ambiance doesn’t seem all that conducive to sparking romance. Well, I did a little research and sure enough, the statistics are right on the money. I even tested it—let’s just say Darla Stonebridge-Bottleman and I are definitely having a second date. The only problem is that now I’m in a real pinch because there’s no data out there on the sexiest place for a second date. I think that if I take her back to the waste plant she’ll be pretty suspicious about my intentions. I know for sure that she’s “the one” so I don’t want to screw this up. You got any suggestions?

- Wink Horsecrack, Deadelmtree, ID

Wink,

First off, my own studies have shown that boat docks and prairie picnics are tied for the best second date activities, at least in terms of leading to the best statistical outcomes. As a side note, I’m legally bound to tell you that the study I’m referencing was rejected for publication by Goin’ Steady Magazine because, according to them, the data collection methods were “universally flawed.” There’s some pending litigation surrounding that whole thing and some lawyer told me I have to mention that any time I reference it.

Secondly, Darla sounds pretty adventurous and she’s clearly your soul mate so why not just skip all the tedious courting? I recommend you put together a surprise second date wedding. Gather as many friends and family (just yours) as you can muster on short notice at any venue you choose (I suggest you steer clear of the sewage plant but it’s up to you). If she’s as committed to making this relationship work as I think she is, she’ll be thrilled when you spring this on her. I see good fortune in your future. Good luck!

-gvd