Surprise! (October 2008)

Dear Gork, 

I'm thirty-seven, a female, and unmarried. I do have a (serious) boyfriend, and up until recently we had been discussing procreation at length until recently. A few weeks ago we were eating at this lovely little bistro in our neighborhood. He leaned over to me lovingly and said 'Hey, you have a hair on your collar", and he attempted to pull it off my collar. But there seemed to be something holding the hair back from being removed...it was my chin! It was a three-inch long chin hair, and he hasn't looked at me the same since. But he hasn't broken up with me. What should I do?

Mary, Canton, IL

Mary,

Surely, you can't blame your boyfriend for being just a little put off by your untidy facial follicles. Not only is the increasing hairlessness of the female sex accepted, it's come to be expected in most mainstream cultures. As facial hair goes, it's been a female faux pas for about the last 3000 years. We all know that the interruption of hormonal harmony can cause a myriad of unwanted effects, but that's not an excuse for hygienic foppery. If you want your relationship to work out, show your boyfriend that you subscribe to social norms. You can start by shaving your face pelt.

-Gork

Sleepless in Binghamton (October 2008)

Dear Gork, 

I was recently sentenced to 6 years in prison for armed robbery, and my anniversary is next week. Last year, my wife and I agreed that we wouldn't get each other gifts, but this year, we never said anything about it. Should I get her a gift, or is last year's agreement still valid?

-Malcom, Binghamton, NY

Malcom, 

Great question. My advice is to get a gift just in case, but don't give it to her until she gives you her present. If she doesn't give you a gift, you'll know that last year's precedent still stands. If she gives you something, you can whip out your gift and she'll be none the wiser. Don't forget to return the gift you buy if you don't use it...

-Gork

Sun Through the Clouds (October 2008)

Dear Gork,

Please stop being so misogynistic!

Sidenote: Do you have suggestions on how to be more 'on-the-go'?

Thanks!

Heidi, Browning, B.C. 

Heidi,

I'm sorry you've interpreted any of my comments as misogynistic. Sometimes my blunt approach comes off as patronizing or slandering, but that's not the intent. Believe me when I tell you, I truly believe all women are equal to each other.

As for your question, I actually get this one from a lot of ladies, and I always answer it with the same 5 words: get out there and shop! Studies have shown that, next to coffee, shopping is the number 1 on-the-go activity. If you can't beat em, shop em!

-Gork

No Quibbles (October 2008)

Dear Gork,

I am in my first long term relationship with my current girlfriend. We've only dated a few months, but I can just tell, you know? Anyway. Here's my problem. While its my first, my girlfriend has had seven long term relationships prior to this one. Every single guy she's dated has cheated on her. 

How do I tell my girlfriend that she has bad taste in men?

Ace, Beverly, MA

Ace,

The best way to let your girlfriend know is for you yourself to cheat on her. However, you shouldn't do it in the usual behind her back way. Instead, you should let her know ahead of time so she has time to process the deeper meaning here. I realize you probably won't be able to actually cheat because your track record is apparently poor at best in that department. I suggest you lie to her and tell her you cheated anyways. The extra lie only further proves your point...your "Ace in the hole" so to speak.

-Gork

Matt Scratch Fever (October 2008)

Dear Gork, 

As a man, I find it repulsive when other men have long fingernails and/or toenails. Yesterday, I asked a coworker if he could clip his fingernails out of respect for me. He became enraged and scratched me up pretty good. How do I make him understand that his long nails are disrespectful without sending him into another slap'n'scratch hissy fit?

-Matt G., Franzen, OR


Dear Matt,

It can be frustrating to work many days and many hours around people that don't have the same belief system as yourself. You should put yourself in his place. Maybe his belief system supports and encourages fingernail growth. And you should respect that. On the other hand, your coworker should realize that some people don't share the same belief system as himself. Perhaps your belief system is one in which fingernail growth is out of the question.

With this logic, neither one of you should be forced to cave to the other person's standards because you both have the right to make the choice to like or dislike fingernails. And you both have the right to hate each other for their beliefs. BUT, you don't have the right to not tolerate each other's decisions. Keep this in mind as you navigate this impossible situation.

-Gork

Cigarette Police (October 2008)

Dear Gork,

Each day i drive past a cemetery on my way to work, and then again on my way home. in the morning i always see the caretaker out by the service shed having a smoke. and at night he is doing the same thing. normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but he happens to be dating my sister's best friend and i know for a fact that she doesn't know that he smokes! should i tell her that he is a dangerous liar, or is it none of my business? thank you for your speedy reply this is driving me absolutely bonkers!

Shelly Rodenski, Butte, MT

Shelly,

I guess we know why you are not your sister's best friend...you're a nark. Sorry to be harsh here, but it's true. If you are right, then there is some minor deceit going on in a relationship that doesn't concern you in any way. Honestly, it sounds like you are jealous that you don't have a guy that lies to you. There are plenty of semi-sincere men out there to go around. Don't ruin a semi-perfect relationship for your own semi-selfish reasons.

-Gork

Help. I'm Drowning Over Here (October 2008)

Dear Gork,

I've spent all winter lifting weights and doing abdominal sit ups. Great, right? Wrong. For some reason I chose to only work the right side of my body, and swimsuit season is almost here! Should I wear a t-shirt in the pool?

Sincerely,

W. Barnson, Newport, RI


W,

No. Lay on your left side on as much as possible. Also to appear unassuming, do this: buy two swimsuits. One swimsuit will be black with vertical lightning-bolt lines. The other will be white with beige horizontal lines. Cut both of the suits down the middle, and then hem them together with the black/vertical suit on your left side. Hem the butt very poorly, as to draw attention away from your problem. I hope you got the answer you're looking for!

-Gork

Keyholes and Missed Connections (Oct 2008)

Dear Gork,

Long time reader, first time writer. For months I've been admiring my male neighbor from afar. About 3 weeks ago, said neighbor lost his key in the hallway and I managed to pick it up. I've spent the last three weeks trying to figure out a way to give it back to him. However, I'm afraid that if I return the key now he'll wonder why I waited so long. We live in a two-unit apartment building. What should I do? Just in case you ask, I'm 100% sure he never changed his locks.

Ambiguous in Detroit, K. Tubbs

Amby,

Quite an interesting little predicament you've gotten yourself in here. The right thing to do is to give him back his key. The fun thing to do is to keep the key and continue sneaking into his apartment. The wrong thing to do is to keep the key and quit sneaking in. There are inherant risks associated with each option, so let's examine them seperately. First off, we already know that option 3 is the wrong thing to do, so we'll just scrap that altogether. If you give back the key, you can easily lie and say you just found it, absolving you of any wrongdoing. If you continue the "sneak" strategy, he may catch you in his apartment, and believe me, there are no little white lies that can get you out of that unscathed. My advice is to listen to your heart, meditate, pray...do whatever you must. When the time is right, sneak back into his apartment and eat some of his pizza.

-Gork

Ask Gork! (Oct 2008)

Dear Gork, 

I'm a 41 yr old male, single, and looking desperately for anything exciting to come along. I have 2 questions. Firstly, what am I doing wrong in the dating world? I've tried everything from blind dates to internet dating, but never seem to get past the first date. I've never been married or had any long term relationships. Secondly, I recently cut off my wiener during a 36hr drug binge. Is there any way to get it back?

P.J., Whacko, TX

Peeje,

Thanks for writing in. While you say you have 2 questions, I think it's probably clear the issues go hand-in-hand. First and foremost, get a handle on your drug problem. Everything else will fall into place after that, except for your romantic life...that probably won't fall into place without a certain key instrument. The medical community has made great strides in the realm of appendage reattachment, but time is of the essence here. If you've been sitting around waiting for a reply to your question, it's too late. Good luck PJ!

-Gork