salty snacks

Hi Gork,

I need some advice pronto. My husband and I have been married for 6+ pretty great years. He’s the love of my life and I couldn’t imagine life without him, at least until he pulled the stunt I’m about to share with you.

We both agreed that having kids was the next logical step in our relationship, so we decided the time was right to have a baby. The pregnancy was mostly nominal, a few ups and downs, but nothing out of the ordinary. We’re kind of old fashioned, so we agreed not to learn the sex of the baby until it was born. I went into labor exactly on my due date, and after 28 excruciating hours, I gave the final push. Our child was brought into the world.

Suddenly there was a bit of ruckus in the corner of the room. I couldn’t really see what was going on, and honestly, I was so exhausted, I barely cared. The next thing I know, the nurse sets a bag of chips on my chest and says, “Congratulations, it’s a bag of Fritos.”

As you might imagine, I was thoroughly confused. I looked at my husband, who was tearful and taking pictures of everything. The doctor gave me two emphatic “thumbs up” and all the nurses started clapping and laughing. I kept looking around waiting for an actual baby to be revealed, but it never was. It turns out my husband had convinced the whole staff to go along with this idiotic scheme. They sneaked our healthy baby boy out to the nursery during the ruckus.

I can tell you that after my confusion settled and I figured out what was going on, I was not pleased. My husband posted all kinds of “hilarious” pictures to his social media accounts, but I never once cracked a smile. The hospital staff eventually apologized profusely. They later told me they were never comfortable with this practical joke, but my husband is very charming and was able to convince them I would looooove it.

My husband still thinks it was a great joke and is even talking about when we should have our next kid. I know for sure he would pull a similar trick if we went down that road because he’s just like that. I’m still seething, however. Is this grounds for divorce? How can I be married to someone with such terrible judgment? If it helps, to know, Frito and I would have the financial means to make it on our own. I have plenty of money saved in a secret bank account. What do you think?

-Ann Wagner-Brandtsly,, Soggers Swamp, FL

Ann,

Dear Lord. That’s quite a story you’ve got there. Your hospital definitely needs some lessons in professionalism, but if I’m being honest, I have to wonder if you’re taking this all too seriously. In the end, it was pretty harmless.

If you can’t get over it, you should ask yourself why. Is it because your husband thought of it and you don’t want to give him the satisfaction? Is it because you were made to feel silly in front of the staff and your friends that saw the pictures online? At any rate, you must not be that upset because you named your son Frito, which might be the worst part of this whole mess. I say, have some more kids and see what comes of it. Don’t punish your husband just because he’s funnier than you are. Besides, maybe your husband’s next stunt will strike your funny bone. No matter what you do, try to loosen up. Sit back and smell the Fritos every once in a while. Hope that helps you out!

-gvd