The Return of Dr Gork (October 2009)

Dear Readers,

I've been through a lot in the last 6 months. I'm sure there are few words that can convey my sincerest apologies for not writing to you, but I must try. I can barely live with myself knowing my readership is out there thinking I'm dead, or worse.

I'm not going to mince words here. I've been living in a home for the mentally ill for the last half-year. Before you get ahead of yourselves, no, I am not "crazy". My story is a bizarre one, but if you bear with me, I think you'll understand, and with a little luck, you might even admire me. Here is my story:

I will start by telling you that I am, and have been for many years, the proud master of 3 beautiful Emporer Tamarins (if you dont know what an ET is, go here: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/27/Emperor_Tamarin_portrait_2_edit1.jpg) I have 2 males, Scribbles and Beanjo, and a female named Dawson's Creek. Despite their rambunctiousness and general recalcitrant nature, they are excellent life companions. Anyways, some 13 months ago, Beanjo went missing. I soon found out that my neighbor had set a series of monkey traps up in his yard to keep my babies from destroying his prized hydrangea bushes, which they had a surprising propensity for. Well, short story long, Beanjo became entangled in one of these rather inhumane monkey traps and severely injured one of his wrists. As you might imagine, I became enraged and took my neighbor's life. As you probably don't further imagine, the judicial machine saw this as an overreaction.

As an unlicensed, untrained legal know-it-all, I naturally represented myself in court. I quickly realized that the judger was no lover of Tamarins and was leaning towards convicting me for homicide (I know, right?). That's when I pulled a slick legal maneuver and played the crazy card. After showing the jury some of my writings and even a few excerpts from this very column, I successfully tricked them into believing I was bonkered. You and I both know the score...I'm no more crazy than anybody else, but I had to do it.

Judge Elper Goldfax sentenced me to an indefinite stay at the local insanitarium house, where I was not allowed to practice any form of fake medicine. Hence, the discontinuity in this column. I am now free, living life to its half-fullest every day, and caring for Scribbles, Beanjo, D's.C., and I'm happy to announce that the three of them have produced a bouncing baby girl that has yet to be named. Any suggestions? I'm leaning towards something like "Monkey Trap" or "Injustice" in honor of my recent ordeal. I look forward to catching up on the endless backlog of reader submissions and can't wait to tackle your new problems. Oh, and get out there and shop!

Sincerely,

The New and Improved Gork VanDonsler, PhB

Super Dumb (January 2009)

Hey Gork! Is the Elder, Gardener, the lamest supervillian of all time? Or should this distinction go to the space shark that Adam Warlock battled in the '70's? I can never decide!

-Burt Blagojevich

Kokomo, IL

BB,

This one is tough. The pantheon of comic supervillains is rife with bungling buffoons vying for the distinction. Let's step outside your bounds of the Gardener and space shark (although they're worthy of the discussion) and consider some other choices. In 1964, Grundle Comics introduced a dastardly vicious supervillain called Thanksgiving Beast. He was known only for sneaking into homes and cooking huge turkey meals for no one to eat. He would then slip out the back door, leaving a massive mess for the homeowners to clean up...Grundle killed TB off in '65 after selling zero copies nationwide. Not to be outdone, Bim Shimkee released a series of graphic novels called "Elk Banshee: The Reckoning". It was the story of an undead elk beast, half elk, half well-to-do midget; doomed to roam the earth. The story lines were poor at best, usually culminating in Elk Banshee's predictable near-demise. I guess the bottomline is that I spent way too much time on this response. You can decide for yourself who the lamest one is.

-Gork

Thrice as Nice (January 2009)

Gork, 

I have 3 rear openings. Only the big one functions, and I'm not sure where the other ones lead to. Everybody I show them to tells me I'm a mutant. What's going on here?

-Larry P.

Old Craxton, SD

Larry, 

You're only supposed to have one, so in a way, you are a mutant. That term has some negative connotations, but if we're being honest...that's what you are. It's entirely possible that one of your parents also had a "triple crown" and passed it on to you. This is how evolution works.

I might suggest you refrain from showing them off so much. That will likely cut down on the criticism. On the other hand, you could always just embrace it and take your show on the road. I personally don't care what you do.

-Gork

Mountain Mama (January 2009)

helo miztr goork. i luv reeding you're collum? yuo ar deafnitly the smrtest preson i no. cud yuo help me wiht a problum! i seam too hav losed mi pokit buk. ime prity shur itz inn mi pokit. yep. hear it iz. thnak yuo doktur goork. yuo sow smrt? 

-thema hiller billy

Talkfunny, WV

THB,

You must be one of those e-hicks I keep hearing about. Apparently, there are clusters of you popping up all over the old south. You've got all the charm of an old school dummy, but you're a little bit tech savvy on the side...I like it.

This reminds me of a few years ago when I spoke at a goat polishing seminar in Arkansas. The organizers paid me in moonshine and goat sauce.

I don't know why I do this, I really don't.

-Gork

When in Rome (January 2009)

dear dr. gork,

the other day on the cart to work, i met an attractive woman and squeezed a date out of her. we went to dinner and a campfire and then back to her place for a little extra 'cat on dog' action. everything was going well until i left the barn stall to relieve myself and upon coming back, happened to get a glimpse of her laying chest down on the haypile facing the foot of the haypile. in this foreshortened pose, she looked almost exactly like emperor constantine's mom. i had to excuse myself for obvious reasons, and she has since sent for me a couple times, but i don't know what to say. i mean, come on, i can't even find rome on a map, much less date one of its rulers' mothers. is she constantine's mother? what should i tell her? what are you hearing?

sincerely,

germani wanderer #305

G-dub 305, 

This is a tough one. Without a picture, I can't say for sure who this lady is, but let's try some deductive reasoning. We know from our history parties that Constantine ruled Rome in the early 300's AD. Our math readings tell us this was about 1,700 years ago. The longest living person on record died at 122 yrs old. Now, put all that together and I think we can say with 75% certainty that you made love to a farm animal. If you don't buy that, consider this; you say this woman was attractive. Roman peasants often referred to Connie's mom as "Regina de Animus Aegus Culus" or roughly translated, "queen with a face like a pig anus." I just blew your mind right? Sorry bud.

-Gork

Dr. Dork (January 2009)

My Dearest Gork, 

I have no idea as to what your expertise may be, but I was hoping you could help me out with a question--and maybe help some readers as well. As I am aging (and I would rather not disclose my age), I am finding that I still think that I'm pretty fun and cool. I do not feel my age at all--even burdoned with the responsibilities of grown-up life. How is it that I can still feel like I'm cool, when I remember being a teenager and looking at people who were the age I am now and thinking they didn't have a clue about life?? And why is it that when I was a teenager, I thought I was sooo cool and now I look at teenagers and think THEY just don't have a clue? 

Sincerely, Me, a dork? Impossible!

Dear Impossible Dork,

Thanks for the dorky question. You've heard the old adage that goes something like, "you're only as old as you feel", right? Well, unfortunately for you, the wisdom of that idiom only applies to age. You cannot say, "you're only as dorky as you feel" and get away with it. Just because you "feel" like you still got it doesn't mean you do. On the other hand, if you feel like you've lost it, then you probably have. That said, "cool" is still a pretty subjective term, so I've developed a more scientific approach. Let's measure coolness or "suaveness" in jean jacket units. Now let's say that suaveness (S) is dependant on your base personality (BP). This way, we can chart S vs. Age for each of the 19 different base-personalities. Then we just find your chart and check your jean jacket units. Here's the chart for the STL (Small Town Lady) BP...incidently, I've gleened from your question that this is your BP. Notice that S is constant until age 13 (13 yr olds have no jju's), then it rises sharply until the age of 21, and finally it plummets to negative infinity. This should help you to tell exactly how dorky you are if you ever start feeling cool again. Hope that helps.

-Gork

Letting It All Hang Out (January 2009)

G,

I don't have much of a question. I just want some tips.

Here goes nothing:

In modern times, it is consistently being stressed that, in order to attract the opposite sex, you need to advance, retreat, advance, retreat (if you need references, I could probably make some up, and get them to your secretary). Being that I'm in the corporate world, I'm finding it harder and harder to decipher what the females in my company are signaling with their tight-fitted, yet conservative attire. What is one way that I could help myself (and maybe others) in the uphill battle of office romance?

Appropriately Anonymous,

If you want to help yourself, go out there and do it. If you want to help other guys your age, or guys that aren't your age too, then here's what you do. First, make a rough draft (first-initial-cut) of a one-breast bra. Give it to someone of the opposite sex that is willing to be the guinea pig. GET SPECIFIC AND IMMEDIATE FEEDBACK. Create a second draft. Rinse, repeat.

The End.

-Gork

Pickled Cucumber Sauce (December 2008)

Dear Gork, 

I have to say I'm pretty disappointed with your efforts on posting new poll questions. I really enjoy them. I felt the 10-1,000 pickles per month was a huge upset. I was sure it would be 1,000-100,000. So that got me thinking. Perhaps I eat too many pickles? Is this possible? I sure hope not. I mean sure my pee smells like dill but that's better than actual urine smell isn't it? I guess my main point was I hope you come up with a new poll question soon. Thanks for your time, 

Vlasic Spears, La Porte City, IA

V,

First off, you have a great point about my poor poll performance. I will do better. In fact, I plan to use future poll results for a paper I'm writing about the West Coast-to-East Coast flow phenomenon regarding social tendencies and fashion gaffs. As for your pickle with pickles, your name tells me you might have a conflict of interests. By naming you after America's number 1 pickle producer, me thinks your parents sealed your fate...that of an unabashed pickle addict. All over-endulgances have their price. Your price-to-pay is enduring the overpowering, putrid, pungent stench of pickle pee every time you urinate. The fact that you enjoy the odor is even more problematic. Cut back on your pickle intake and take some Vitamin P...you'll be whiffing the odiferous scent of good old fashioned peepers in no time.

-Gork

Scams and Flams (December 2008)

dr. gork,

i believe the illuminati stuff. do you think we are all being controlled by a secret elite? and if so, why do they puppy guard their knowledge? if not, how might one go about starting their own local illuminati? please do not refrain from not intermittently using the word 'jehosephat' in your reply, as i was not a devout catholic as of last friday.
thank you

prince trilby, new devonshire on six-oaks, england

Your Lordship, 

The "Secret Society" legends have been bouncing around since the dawn of mankind. Whether it's this "illuminati" you speak of, or the Priory of Zion, or the Masonic Right, or the Skulls, or Mormanism, one thing is for sure: none of them carry any weight if you choose not to believe in them. Maybe there is a secret elite out there telling us what to do. I say, more power to him. When you consider what a massive workload he's got, what with controlling the fates of 6.5 billion people and all, I'd say he's doing a fabulous job. I for one, put no stock in these silly, nonsensical sewer scams. You, Prince Trilby, are the master of your own fate. Your ill-advised Illumunati infatuation has you teetering on the edge of becoming a full blown basketcase. Nip this one in the wanger while you can young man. Jehosephat said it best when addressing the women's league of Babylon, "Never take in the rear what you can throw right through the front window." Heed and be rewarded my royal compadre.

-Gork

False Advertising (December 2008)

Hello dr. gork,

I have read your q and a blog and find it fantastic and enthralling. I am telling all my buddies about it all the time. I had a really good question for you: where can i get some nepepniciden for my clamkalgg disorder? They say it looks like rain for those with clamkalgg. My local specialist is a scam clam, so i'm not getting much help there. Anything? 

-steven michaggaaaananggganngnangnn

Steve, 

Ease up on the keyboard mashing. Nepepniciden is really not that hard to come by these days, but I'm not quite sure you want it. In the early 60's, a sleezy pharmaceutical company called Plooper & Murglestein marketed Nepepniciden under the name "Neptide" (street name "Nep") as a cure for the common cold. You and I now know Nep as Crystal Meth. Ploop and Murg went down on fraud and public endangerment charges not long after they introduced the wonder drug, but their legacy remains (see the braindead, toothless hookers on your local street corner if you don't believe me). I suggest you steer clear of the angel dust for now and focus on finding someone that can effectively treat your scrotum rash. You better find yourself a good over-the-counter scrote balm and start making some phone calls. God help you.

-Gork

Horn of Plenty (December 2008)

Gork, 

I have a serious problem. Shortly before the Halloween parade, I began purchasing pumpkins and gourds to decorate my home for the Autumn holidays. By the time T'gives rolled around, I had accummulated somewhere around 1,200 gourmpkins. Needless to say, I went a little overboard. Now that gourmpkin season is over, I've got to unload these things, and fast. The stench of rotting pumpkin guts has cost me dearly...my husband moved out, our horse overdosed on pumpkin slop, and the neighbors are threatening to call the coppers if I don't do something about it. What can I do?

-Beverly, Muff Creek, PA

Bev,

This is certainly a new one. You know you're insane, right? That aside, if I know pumpkins like I think I do, your entire menagerie is a mess of mushy, deflated puke balls by now. Clearly, no one in their right mind is going to take them off your hands. As I see it, your only option is to bury them. You'll need to hire a construction crew to come out and dig a grand canyon crater somewhere close by. Keep in mind, this is really a temporary solution...come gourmpkin season next year, you'll be up to your snooch in pumpkin weeds. I recommend moving out of the area after you take care of business...sounds like you've got nothing left to stay for anyways. Good luck B-pig.

-Gork

TCC Jam (November 2008)

Dr. Gork,

Donovan McNabb's recent admission that he did not know his own sport's overtime rules got me thinking: what would be the equivalent of this snafu for a pro basketball player?

Jim Rome

Tarzana, CA

Jim,

Incoming mail has been a bit light of late, which I attribute to the economic crisis coupled with hurricane Katrina. As a result, I'm forced to publish your silly question. We need look no further than Dr. Basketballs himself: Yownis Spooch, a 6'11 Forward for the Madison Cheese Pucks in the now defunct TCC, A.K.A "The Cheese Circuit" (the TCC was founded and folded in October, 1999). During a post game interview, Yownis was asked about his unorthodox shot selection. This was based on Yownis shooting 5 for 27 overall and 0 for 11 from the half court line in a massive 116-24 loss to the Green Bay Bries. Yownis explained that he had made 3 baskets in a row early in the game without giving up any points to the opponents, and as such, was considered to be "on fire". He went on to explain that when a player is on fire, they can shoot from nearly anywhere and be sure to sink the shot. By the time it was explained to Yownis that this was not the case, it was already too late. Yownis broke his neck in the next game while attempting an impossible 360 dunk shot from the the 3-pt line.

-Gork

Thick Lustrous Oatmeal (November 2008)

Hey Dr. Gork!

In these hard economic times I am trying to cut back some to save money and have decided an oatmeal diet is the way to go. Cheap, nutritious . . . but not too tasty. What can I add to zestify my evening bowl? Tonight I tried oregano, olive oil and parmesan cheese with less than zestupendous results. Any thoughts?

-Will Bjork

DeWitt, IA

Will, 

That's a tough one. Oatmeal is definitely the right choice for somebody trying to cut back on their grosh bills, but most of the good fixins for oatmeal are costly by themselves. In doing some research, I found a great cookbook by Omar Juff called "A Thrifter's Guide to DIY Oatmeal Spice." I recommend you check this book out for yourself, but here a few things Omar suggests: Cat syrup, Fig Newtons, Mt. Dew (diet), pumpkin slop, and (of course) Goat Sauce. Those should definitely get you started on the road to cheap, delicious oatmeal. I'm getting hungry just writing about it...

-Gork

God Bless Ameroca (November 2008)

Gork,

what can you tell me about the FEMA internment camps that have sprouted up across the US? some say a state of martial law is imminent, following a total collapse of the dollar and subsequent rise of a pan-american currency to be called the Amero. should i be worried or, in the immortal words of george bush in response to terror war, should i go shopping?

thanks,

-japanese american

JA, 

I think you're overreacting by just a smidge. I assure you, there's no cause for alarm. I guess what I'm trying to say is GET OUT THERE AND SHOP! No need to worry about a thing. If you want to be safe, I recommend charging all your purchases. That way you can save your real cash for a rainy day, or trade it in for more valuable "Amero's" when they become available next fall. Hope that answers your question and good luck friend.

-Gork

Jamrags and Johnny's (October 2008)

Gork,

One of my muckers recently told me I need to "loosen up." Should I listen to him or is he just a poof? I thought I was pretty deadly already.

-Too Tight in Tipperary

Too Tight, 

Your mucker's right on the money. Sounds to me like you're wound up like a dickey dazzler makin tits with a doxie. It might be time to head to the local for a pint or two. Then again, that hoor's melt of a mucker might need a square kick to the gooter.

-Gork

Come Sit On My Lap (October 2008)

Dear Gork, 

I'm desperately in need of some social guidance. I'm an easy going guy (I think), but I'm very awkward in social settings. I always say the wrong thing or take things too far. I try to be funny and it just comes off as offensive. The other night, I approached some girls at a bar. I tried to be suave and tell one of them she was totally my type, but the words came out all wrong. I ended up saying "You have a huge ass." Needless to say, she wasn't impressed. Even my wife is getting fed up with my social clumsiness. Got any tips for a brother in need?

-Lap Flynn, Houchens, CT

Lap,

You're trying too hard. You need to take the pressure off if you want consistent social chemistry. I've counseled a number of men on this topic and come up with some exercises to help ease the social tension. I want you to try a few and see if they don't help.

I call the first one Parametric Phrase Reversal. The concept is simple. Whenever you start a conversation, you systematically jumble the words around. For example, "If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I'd be rich" becomes "If I heard that for every nickel I've had, I'd be rich." Another example: "This might seem like a weird question, but would you like to play hide the sausage?" becomes "This might sound like a weird sausage, but would you like to play hide the question? It makes for a hilarious conversation starter and it takes your mind off the pressure.

The second one is a little more advanced, but slightly more effective. I call it The Boozehound Bump. Start by ordering 5 drinks at the bar. Gather all of them up in your hands like you're planning to deliver them to your friends. On the way, sneak up behind a girl of your choosing so that she doesn't notice you're there. Wait for her to take an innocent step backwards. That's when you make contact and the drinks go flying. She'll feel bad and you'll be in like Flynn...just be careful not to spill too much on the girl. Her guilt might be overcome by animosity.

If these techniques don't work, you might be beyond my unprofessional help. Give them a try and let me know what happens. Good Luck Lap!

-Gork

Mi Familia (October 2008)

Hey Gork!

I'm a 19 year male. Also, I'm a polygamist. So....my problem. I have aspirations of being a doctor so that I can provide for my two families. I currently have two wives, and one of them has already been blessed with my first born son. Since we're fairly young and have no money, I rely completely on my parents' finances to get me through school. Currently, my wives and I each live under our own parents' houses. My parents are threatening to cut me loose unless I rid myself of the childless wife. Obviously, I am in a bit of a bind. Help!

Sincerely,

Mike Sure-Ruggles , Candice, FL

Mike,

Finally, a polygomy question! I've got a soft spot for you guys. Clearly, you've bitten off more than you can chew, but don't fret. Most 19 yr olds have 0 wives, so in a sense, you're already twice as good as your peers. On the other hand, you can't support yourself, let alone 2 families, so in a sense, you've dug a hole twice as deep as the average 19 yr old. Those two factors cancel each other out, so basically, you're right there neck and neck with your monogomist buddies.

Your parents say they'll cut the chord? I say prove it! Your "sticky sitch" is mostly their fault for letting you enter into 2 unsupportable marriages. The guilt would be overwhelming. If I were you, I'd ride out the storm and do nothing. Just to be safe, it might be best to quickly impregnate your other wife. Oh, and forget about med school. If you're lucky, you'll have just enough time to struggle through a 2 year trade school and hit the streets as a very bad plumber or dry wall artist. Whatever happens, it's gonna be a wild ride.

-Gork

Chip On His Shoulder (October 2008)

Hey Gork, 

What time is the Norm McDonald show this Thursday? I'm not talking about the sitcom. I do like sitcoms though. Did you ever see that episode of friends when Ross was trying to move his couch? He kept saying "pivot". Do you think it should be traveling when you move your pivot foot? My foot smells. I think I stepped in some dog pooh. My dog's name is Cozmo. I named him after a sitcom character. He was on Seinfeld, not the Norm McDonald show. What time is this show? Not the sitcom, the show at Penguins. Tomorrow. Thanks.

-Chip Longwell- Beantown USA

Chip, 

I'm working on my third PhD over here and you want to ask me what time the Norm MacD show starts? I have to say, I'm pretty flummoxed. My first thought was to hit the buhlete button and forget I ever heard of Chip Longwell, but after taking a deeper look, I can see that you're a deeply troubled guy in need of some sassy professional help...you've come to the right place. First off, stop watching Friends reruns, it's no good for you. I suggest you stick to reruns of Dharma and Greg or Caroline in the City. The writing is better and the life lessons are far more relevant to the everyday American. Secondly, yes, the pivot foot is the most powerful tool in any warbird's toolbox. Master it, you'll dominate any tiny school in western Illinois (including the Fulton Unity Christian Knights). Finally, start putting a little vitamin C in Cozmo's food. You'll still step in his "leavings" and it will still stink like hell, but he'll be as healthy as a horse. I hope this helps you.

-Gork

P.S - The Norm MacDonald show starts at 8 at the QC Penguin's Comedy Club.

Of Mice and Women (October 2008)

Hey Gork! Great blog.

I have a rare condition known as "double-barreled mouseberger" syndrome. This syndrome results in the afflicted growing a second male appendage shortly after birth. Throughout my life I have been cursed with two dongs. Strangely this seems to be a turnoff to women after they meet them both. My question is, should I acquire a girlfriend for each mouseberger so women do not feel the pressure to satisfy both? Thanks for your help!

-Jeff P. Madison, WI

Jeff,

Fabulous! I'm curious to know if you suffer from standard "DBM" or "LDBM" (Latent Double-Barreled Mouseberger"). For our readers unfamiliar with the syndrome, the former is present at birth, while the latter doesn't show it's mousy face until adolesence. I'll assume you have standard DBM. If that's the case, I'm sorry to tell you that you are the victim of a great injustice. DBM is highly inoperable after about the 1 year point, but before that, amputation is a very realistic option. Shame on your parents for not giving the doctor the chop sign.

On to your question. In your situation, I'd be pretty surprised if you could lock down one steady girlfriend, let alone two. I suggest you set your sights on finding one girl that you can really connect with. At first, when things get intimate, give one of your micebergers "the tuck". As things progress and you feel comfortable, tell her the truth. If she's worth her weight in mice, she'll understand.

-Gork

Any Given Funday (October 2008)

Dear Gork,

hello, i am a 42 year old man with a penchant for football. i played a little in high school, and even tried out for the nfl before finally settling into my current position at long john silvers. i like to watch the games on sundays, but i still get the itch to get back in the game in some way, shape or form. here is my question: i have developed a new defensive scheme that i believe would be very successful, but i don't know how to go about implementing it, as i have no affiliation with a team of any kind. any suggestions? thank you and keep up the good work!

-Demetrius Carmichael, Logan Springs, OR

ps. my scheme consists of replacing the defense with offensive players. e.g.: a quarterback to cover the quarterback, a tightend to cover the tightend, etc. thereby cancelling out their offense, and allowing my offense to stay on the field for the entire game.

D,

I assume most NFL coaches test out their new schemes at the Pop Warner level before implementing them at the professional level. I suggest you sign up to be a little league coach at your local Rec Center. Put your idea into action and document the results. If it proves to be an idea worth pursuing, sign up to be an NFL coach and dazzle the rest of the league with your out-of-the-box thinking. Thanks for the great question! I have a feeling we'll be seeing you on the Sunday sidelines very soon.

-Gork